Public embrace can conflict with private expectations
by Shannon Rupp
Walking through any major Canadian city, it would be easy to think the forces for multiculturalism have won the day. The number of mixed-race couples walking hand-in-hand suggests we’ve become colour-blind. Canada’s 1960s ideal of the “cultural mosaic” seems to have been realized.
But sex therapist Faizal Sahukhan says that, while that may be true on the surface, there’s something else going on behind closed doors—and between the sheets.
“It’s a multicultural society, overtly, and in public people celebrate diversity. But covertly, in a lot of communities, it’s still taboo,” Sahukhan says
As a certified sex counsellor, Sahukhan sees an increasing number of clients with sexual issues that could be traced to cultural clashes with their families or due to their own anxiety over committing “sins.”
“At least 70 per cent of the individuals with sexual problems I see have low self-worth stemming from guilt over cultural expectations.”
Charlotte Tzu, 25, can attest to that. Her family came from Taiwan about 10 years ago, and as a teenager, she felt torn between different customs. But the conflict was most acute when it came to dating.
“My family didn’t understand that, in Canadian culture, having sex with a guy didn’t relate to marrying him. They think the girl is like a prize; you are like an object and you have be careful not to use up your value,” Tzu, a linguistics student, explains.
“So my father started asking my boyfriend questions to see if he could give me a stable home. Did he have higher education? How many siblings did he have? What kind of jobs did they do?”
While the stern patriarch grilling the nervous suitor sounds like the premise for a comedy, the scenario was anything but funny for Tzu.
She describes her boyfriend as easy-going and not professionally ambitious; in other words, her father’s idea of poor husband material. Soon her parents began pressuring her to stop seeing him. Although she resisted, hiding her life from her parents strained the relationship with her boyfriend, who was Canadian-born Chinese. He eventually ended the romance, leaving her heartbroken and depressed.
Determined not to let that happen again, Tzu went for counselling and eventually found her way into Sahukhan’s workshop, Multicultural Sex: Dealing With the Culture Clash.
Jenny Lin, a 24-year-old education student from Taiwan, had a similar experience, but with a twist. “My mother doesn’t have much education and she believes in psychics. A fortune teller told her I should not get married before I’m 30. So my parents say I should just study and work—no dating.”
The result is that Lin still keeps much of her life a secret from her parents.
“They think if you have sex before marriage you are worth nothing, you are garbage. So on that topic, I can’t be honest.”
She found her conflict with her family’s values often left her in tears and put stress on her relationships.
Sahukhan says their experience is typical of young adults from traditional backgrounds who try to fit in with their peers while maintaining traditions: they keep secrets, feel guilty, and may go to extraordinary lengths to please their families.
In some South Asian cultures, it’s still customary for a mother-in-law to bathe her son’s bride the morning after the wedding—and check for blood on the sheets. Sahukhan has had clients who have capsules of fake movie blood on hand for their honeymoon. Others will have their hymen surgically replaced for the wedding.
He also sees clients who are forced into arranged marriages despite al-ready being involved in relationships, and clients who have trouble coming out of the closet in their strict religious communities.
Guilt and lying may cause depression for people who try to live in both worlds, but there are also problems for couples who live up to a cultural ideal, such as being virgins until marriage.
“There was one couple where the husband tried to insert his penis into her urethra,” Sahukhan says, explaining that, due to a lack of sex education, he was afraid of her vagina. “He grew up hearing that the vagina was dirty and he was not supposed to go near it.”
To assuage clients’ guilt about their sexuality, Sahukhan teaches participants about the social and cultural context in which some sexual acts were forbidden. He helps them understand that if they’re not harming themselves or anyone else, they’re not doing anything wrong.
“Religions have been influenced by politics and used for socio-political gains. I think a lot of [sexual] taboos started off to help the species survive. Like the early Christian view that procreation was the sole purpose of intercourse; that was at a time when it was important for survival to have a lot of births. Masturbation, anal sex, and birth control were all considered sinful because it was a waste of sperm.”
“I discuss that it’s important that we think for ourselves and look at personalizing the religion you are practising; if you give control to other people, your self-esteem suffers.”
Far from advocating modern views, Suhukhan remains neutral while helping his clients understand the different perspectives, as well as the pros and cons of different approaches.
“With arranged marriages, most people are worried about making love to someone they don’t know and building a life with a stranger. The parents are often quite ignorant of their children’s fears because it’s not the custom for families to discuss sex.”
But he also points out that, in a society where about 50 per cent of marriages end in divorce and people are resorting to dating services and the Internet to find mates, allowing your family to set you up isn’t the worst idea.
“Your parents know you well and they have your best interests in mind. So I say, why not give them a shot? Agree that you do not have to marry that person, but why not use your parents as a dating service. It could be a win-win situation.”
The impact of his approach can be seen on Charlotte Tzu and Jenny Lin. Both felt that under-standing the cultural differences helped them understand themselves better. But it led to different results.
Lin now stands up to her family. “As I get older I realize I should get more experience and the future will be created by myself. I don’t trust what the fortune teller says.”
But Tzu is returning to Taiwan with her family. “I learned I prefer the Chinese traditions. I want to marry someone my parents like, who speaks the same language. I want to make them happy.”
Sahukhan’s next Multicultural Romance workshop is on February 27. For information go to theartofloving.ca or multiculturalsex.com.
Shannon Rupp is a Vancouver journalist who usually covers hard news and legal issues but has been surprised to find that more than half her stories turn out to have something to do with sex.
