by OLGA SHEEAN
Dear Olga,
I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for the past year and I’m sick of it. My partner is wonderful but he’s not willing to move here, and I don’t want to live in Texas! How can I get what I want, if neither of us wants to budge?
—FAR AND AWAY
Circumstances can be distracting if you take them at face value—and miss their inherent message. But if you can see them in the context of your internal programming, then everything makes sense.
I’d say that acceptance, worthiness, and intimacy were almost certainly issues for you when you were growing up, resulting in self-doubt, insecurities, and a need to “play safe” in the world. It’s hard to let anyone get too close, if we believe that love is not safe. As a result, we attract dynamics and situations that cater to this belief— creating long-distance relationships or attracting partners who have issues around intimacy or commitment. It can sometimes look as if it’s the other person who’s keeping their distance, but if you start to explore the ways you may be buffering yourself from intimacy or from receiving support or love from others (even in small ways, such as deflecting a compliment), you’ll begin to see how self-rejection can keep you from having the kind of on-your-doorstep love you want.
Use your circumstances wisely and see them for what they are—an invaluable indicator of what you need to work on inside to attract the corresponding qualities on the outside. It’s not about finding a partner who’s willing to commit to you; it’s about committing to yourself and to resolving your issues, so that you attract a similarly committed partner. When you do that, everything works.
Dear Olga,
I’ve been single for six years and have deliberately avoided relationships, so I could get financially stable. But my business is a constant struggle. Even though I can generate clients and create business deals, they never work out well. I’d love to be able to start the year on a strong financial footing. Then I’ll feel comfortable about looking for a partner. Any suggestions?
—MONEY MATTERS
There’s no way you can win this one, unless you seriously check out what’s going on inside. On the outside, you’re doing everything possible to make things work, but by not letting yourself have a relationship, you’re saying “no” to receiving love—and money. Both are extremely accurate indicators of your self-worth. Holding off on a relationship until you’re better off implies that you don’t think you’re lovable just as you are. This feeds lots of other beliefs, such as: “I can’t have what I want unless I work really hard for it,” “I must earn love,” and “No one will love me, if I’m not making money.” Sound familiar? Beliefs like these keep you stuck, sabotaging your business dealings and preventing you from having the payoff you deserve for all your efforts.
You can break this cycle by saying “yes” to receiving and opening up to the possibility of being loved now. But it must be translated into action. This means finding ways to connect with potential partners, despite your resistance. If saying “no” to a relationship is closing the door on success, wouldn’t saying “yes” be worth a try? Just go for it! You’ve a lot to gain—a relationship plus the money you’ve been working so hard for. Do the one thing you’ve been avoiding all along and you’ll see things start to work in all areas of your life. Money flows when you say “yes” to being loved and accepted for who you are, regardless of your bank balance.
Olga Sheean (olgasheean.com or fitforlove.net) is a Vancouver-based relationship coach and author of Fit for Love —find your self and your perfect mate.
by OLGA SHEEAN
Power Vacs: Don’t Get Sucked In
Dear Olga
My wife has been diagnosed with cancer, which has brought up a lot of issues for us both. I’m trying to be compassionate and caring but am not always sure how to take care of my own needs. For example, I recently wanted to draw up a joint retirement plan but she refused to fill out the papers with me so I had to let it go, which didn’t feel good. Where’s the healthy line between taking care of my partner and taking care of myself so I don’t get lost in the process?
—Ill-equipped
Cancer is often the physical manifestation of self-rejection—and a painful reminder that we’re off track with what’s best for us. That’s easy to say when you’re healthy, but it can really piss you off if you’re sick—and feeling powerless in the face of it. Illness is designed to get your attention and it causes lots of conflicting feelings because it is, in a sense, both a weapon and a cry for help/love.
We subconsciously turn against ourselves when we feel unloveable, and yet the symptoms we create are a cry for love that we’re often unable to express verbally. In caring for your wife, you are probably making her needs more important than yours—which is exactly the kind of special treatment and attention that she’s literally dying to have. But her withdrawal from life (e.g., refusing to draw up a retirement plan with you) creates a power vacuum that sucks you in, triggering your sense of powerlessness and prompting you to do everything you can to fix it.
But no matter how much you do, you cannot fill up her “love tanks.” Only she can do that. So take a step back and look at your reactions because this is all about you! You’ve attracted the perfect partner for triggering your sense of powerlessness and you need to reclaim that power, in practical ways. (Doing so will also give your wife the space to choose to reclaim her own power—the kind that comes from fully loving herself.) Be autonomous—draw up a retirement plan of your own, take care of your needs, be proactive in your everyday decisions, don’t get sucked into inaction along with your partner—and you will break this cycle. Express your love by allowing your wife to choose whether to join you and be equally powerful or to remain disengaged, which will bring her face to face with her deeper feelings. The more you live your life while lovingly maintaining this healthy boundary between you, the more she (and you) will see that the vacuum needs to be filled with self-love. Only then will you both have something truly meaningful to live for.
Dear Olga
I broke up with my boyfriend last month and he’s already going out with another woman. I’m angry and jealous, even though I know I shouldn’t be. How can I let him go and move on?
—Green-eyed Girl
Jealousy is a symptom of low self-worth. It means we don’t think we can have the relationship, fancy car, house, or other evidence of success or love that someone else has. But this belief generates the very outcome we dread: losing what we have or never getting what we want.
The answer lies in rebuilding your self-esteem internally. Start affirming that you deserve and can have the perfect partner, and practise being happy for others who are in love. Hard to do when you’d really like to poke their eyes out, but positively focusing on love powerfully attracts love to you. Jealousy is not about what’s missing in your life; it’s about what’s missing inside you.
Olga Sheean is a Vancouver-based relationship coach and author of Fit for Love—find your self and your perfect mate (olgasheean.com; fitforlove.net). Please submit your relationship questions to editor@shared-vision.com.
Reframing resistance
by OLGA SHEEAN
Dear Olga,
I’ve been dating a really nice man for two years but, recently, he has changed in disturbing ways. He used to be a warm, loving, patient man who would do anything for me but since he started “working on himself” he has become mean-spirited, critical, and controlling. He keeps telling me that he must say no to whatever doesn’t work for him and ask for what he wants. I feel as if he has no regard for me or what I want. Our relationship is horrid and I can’t believe what’s happening to us. Surely, personal-growth work should make you better, not worse! I’d really like to know how to make sense of all this.
—Fighting for a change
The first thing to look at is why your partner wanted to change. Presumably, he was not happy with either himself or the relationship—which is really the same thing. To understand what’s going on, you need to find out what prompted your man to make all these seemingly undesirable changes. What was he unhappy about or trying to improve? What was not working for him in the relationship before all this happened? If you didn’t realize that the relationship was not working for him, you may not know him—or yourself—as well as you think.
When someone tries to change, there is usually resistance—their own internal resistance and, often, that of their partner. If your partner was in the habit of meeting your needs or going along with what you wanted, for example, you may have seen that as an expression of his love for you. If he changed that habit and started putting his own needs first (ideally, in healthy ways), you might interpret that as rejection. But it really has to do with self-empowerment and personal responsibility, whereby each partner maintains healthy boundaries and learns to recognize the difference between caring and care-taking. It’s also important to remember that, when something goes wrong in a relationship, it’s not just about the other person—even if they seem to be the one with problems. If you have a problem with your partner’s problems, then the issues are just as much yours as his. They have simply come at you indirectly, either because you’ve been unaware of them or because you didn’t want to confront them.
Try to let go of the idea that this is all about your man and see it instead as a wake-up call for you both. There is something here for you both to learn and how you deal with it will determine the level of intimacy and connection you can enjoy together, or how much “stuff” you take with you into your next relationship if you do not resolve it now. Our partners are wonderful mirrors for what is going on inside us, so if you feel criticized, controlled, or judged by your man, it’s a sure sign that you have some unresolved issues around self-acceptance and personal empowerment. Don’t get distracted by his stuff; you’ve attracted this specific dynamic into your life so that you can grow and experience a deeper kind of love.
Delving deeper into any issues that come up in relationships usually creates more closeness rather than a distancing of partners, which is what you are experiencing now. The payoff lies in understanding your reactions to your partner and what they really mean about you. If you are unaware of their meaning, you may choose to continue making it all about him. If you are open to the idea that he is there to trigger specific issues in you so that you can resolve them, then you can take charge of yourself and figure out the gift wrapped up in your resistance.
Olga Sheean (olgasheean.com; fitforlove.net) is a Vancouver-based relationship coach and author of Fit for Love—find your self and your perfect mate. Please submit your relationship questions to editor@shared-vision.com.
by OLGA SHEEAN
Dear Olga,
I am constantly challenged by my daughter, who makes demands of me and then gets angry when I don’t do what she wants. She often asks me to babysit, but I feel a lot of resistance when this happens. I usually give in and then end up feeling horribly compromised. When I...
Are You Settling?
Dear Olga,
I’ve been dating a warm-hearted, loving man for two months. We are incredibly comfortable together and have been working through our issues and growing a lot. However, my heart doesn’t race when I am with him or anticipate seeing him. I just feel very happy to see my good...
Tango, Anyone?
by OLGA SHEEAN
Dear Olga,
I’m 50 and re-married six years ago. Since then, my younger sister has refused to talk to me and has stolen money from our recently deceased mother’s estate—money that was supposed to be divided equally between us. I have tried everything to get her to be reasonable but...
Tough Love
by OLGA SHEEAN
Dear Olga
I’m 44 and have been married for 23 years to a lifelong heavy smoker who’s 11 years older. Four years ago, my husband started having difficulty breathing. I begged him to stop smoking and get help, but he refused. He finally went to the doctor, who gave him inhalers and...
Dear Olga
by OLGA SHEEAN
Dear Olga
My husband of eight years has just left me. I’m in so much pain I don’t know what to do. How can I handle this? And why do I feel such anger? Is time the only thing that will heal it? If so, it feels as if it will be years before I feel halfway human again. Can you...
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