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Love or Money…

admin — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 12:38:23 -0600

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by OLGA SHEEAN

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Dear Olga,
I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for the past year and I’m sick of it. My partner is wonderful but he’s not willing to move here, and I don’t want to live in Texas! How can I get what I want, if neither of us wants to budge?
—FAR AND AWAY

Circumstances can be distracting if you take them at face value—and miss their inherent message. But if you can see them in the context of your internal programming, then everything makes sense.

I’d say that acceptance, worthiness, and intimacy were almost certainly issues for you when you were growing up, resulting in self-doubt, insecurities, and a need to “play safe” in the world. It’s hard to let anyone get too close, if we believe that love is not safe. As a result, we attract dynamics and situations that cater to this belief— creating long-distance relationships or attracting partners who have issues around intimacy or commitment. It can sometimes look as if it’s the other person who’s keeping their distance, but if you start to explore the ways you may be buffering yourself from intimacy or from receiving support or love from others (even in small ways, such as deflecting a compliment), you’ll begin to see how self-rejection can keep you from having the kind of on-your-doorstep love you want.

Use your circumstances wisely and see them for what they are—an invaluable indicator of what you need to work on inside to attract the corresponding qualities on the outside. It’s not about finding a partner who’s willing to commit to you; it’s about committing to yourself and to resolving your issues, so that you attract a similarly committed partner. When you do that, everything works.

Dear Olga,
I’ve been single for six years and have deliberately avoided relationships, so I could get financially stable. But my business is a constant struggle. Even though I can generate clients and create business deals, they never work out well. I’d love to be able to start the year on a strong financial footing. Then I’ll feel comfortable about looking for a partner. Any suggestions?
—MONEY MATTERS

There’s no way you can win this one, unless you seriously check out what’s going on inside. On the outside, you’re doing everything possible to make things work, but by not letting yourself have a relationship, you’re saying “no” to receiving love—and money. Both are extremely accurate indicators of your self-worth. Holding off on a relationship until you’re better off implies that you don’t think you’re lovable just as you are. This feeds lots of other beliefs, such as: “I can’t have what I want unless I work really hard for it,” “I must earn love,” and “No one will love me, if I’m not making money.” Sound familiar? Beliefs like these keep you stuck, sabotaging your business dealings and preventing you from having the payoff you deserve for all your efforts.

You can break this cycle by saying “yes” to receiving and opening up to the possibility of being loved now. But it must be translated into action. This means finding ways to connect with potential partners, despite your resistance. If saying “no” to a relationship is closing the door on success, wouldn’t saying “yes” be worth a try? Just go for it! You’ve a lot to gain—a relationship plus the money you’ve been working so hard for. Do the one thing you’ve been avoiding all along and you’ll see things start to work in all areas of your life. Money flows when you say “yes” to being loved and accepted for who you are, regardless of your bank balance.

Olga Sheean (olgasheean.com or fitforlove.net) is a Vancouver-based relationship coach and author of Fit for Love —find your self and your perfect mate.

Power Vacs: Don’t Get Sucked In

admin — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 22:56:53 -0600

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by OLGA SHEEAN

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Power Vacs: Don’t Get Sucked In

Dear Olga
My wife has been diagnosed with cancer, which has brought up a lot of issues for us both. I’m trying to be compassionate and caring but am not always sure how to take care of my own needs. For example, I recently wanted to draw up a joint retirement plan but she refused to fill out the papers with me so I had to let it go, which didn’t feel good. Where’s the healthy line between taking care of my partner and taking care of myself so I don’t get lost in the process?
—Ill-equipped

Cancer is often the physical manifestation of self-rejection—and a painful reminder that we’re off track with what’s best for us. That’s easy to say when you’re healthy, but it can really piss you off if you’re sick—and feeling powerless in the face of it. Illness is designed to get your attention and it causes lots of conflicting feelings because it is, in a sense, both a weapon and a cry for help/love.
We subconsciously turn against ourselves when we feel unloveable, and yet the symptoms we create are a cry for love that we’re often unable to express verbally. In caring for your wife, you are probably making her needs more important than yours—which is exactly the kind of special treatment and attention that she’s literally dying to have. But her withdrawal from life (e.g., refusing to draw up a retirement plan with you) creates a power vacuum that sucks you in, triggering your sense of powerlessness and prompting you to do everything you can to fix it.
But no matter how much you do, you cannot fill up her “love tanks.” Only she can do that. So take a step back and look at your reactions because this is all about you! You’ve attracted the perfect partner for triggering your sense of powerlessness and you need to reclaim that power, in practical ways. (Doing so will also give your wife the space to choose to reclaim her own power—the kind that comes from fully loving herself.) Be autonomous—draw up a retirement plan of your own, take care of your needs, be proactive in your everyday decisions, don’t get sucked into inaction along with your partner—and you will break this cycle. Express your love by allowing your wife to choose whether to join you and be equally powerful or to remain disengaged, which will bring her face to face with her deeper feelings. The more you live your life while lovingly maintaining this healthy boundary between you, the more she (and you) will see that the vacuum needs to be filled with self-love. Only then will you both have something truly meaningful to live for.

Dear Olga
I broke up with my boyfriend last month and he’s already going out with another woman. I’m angry and jealous, even though I know I shouldn’t be. How can I let him go and move on?
—Green-eyed Girl

Jealousy is a symptom of low self-worth. It means we don’t think we can have the relationship, fancy car, house, or other evidence of success or love that someone else has. But this belief generates the very outcome we dread: losing what we have or never getting what we want.
The answer lies in rebuilding your self-esteem internally. Start affirming that you deserve and can have the perfect partner, and practise being happy for others who are in love. Hard to do when you’d really like to poke their eyes out, but positively focusing on love powerfully attracts love to you. Jealousy is not about what’s missing in your life; it’s about what’s missing inside you.

Olga Sheean is a Vancouver-based relationship coach and author of Fit for Love—find your self and your perfect mate (olgasheean.com; fitforlove.net). Please submit your relationship questions to editor@shared-vision.com.

Ask Olga

admin — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 23:21:14 -0600

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Reframing resistance

Author

by OLGA SHEEAN

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Dear Olga,

I’ve been dating a really nice man for two years but, recently, he has changed in disturbing ways. He used to be a warm, loving, patient man who would do anything for me but since he started “working on himself” he has become mean-spirited, critical, and controlling. He keeps telling me that he must say no to whatever doesn’t work for him and ask for what he wants. I feel as if he has no regard for me or what I want. Our relationship is horrid and I can’t believe what’s happening to us. Surely, personal-growth work should make you better, not worse! I’d really like to know how to make sense of all this.
—Fighting for a change

The first thing to look at is why your partner wanted to change. Presumably, he was not happy with either himself or the relationship—which is really the same thing. To understand what’s going on, you need to find out what prompted your man to make all these seemingly undesirable changes. What was he unhappy about or trying to improve? What was not working for him in the relationship before all this happened? If you didn’t realize that the relationship was not working for him, you may not know him—or yourself—as well as you think.

When someone tries to change, there is usually resistance—their own internal resistance and, often, that of their partner. If your partner was in the habit of meeting your needs or going along with what you wanted, for example, you may have seen that as an expression of his love for you. If he changed that habit and started putting his own needs first (ideally, in healthy ways), you might interpret that as rejection. But it really has to do with self-empowerment and personal responsibility, whereby each partner maintains healthy boundaries and learns to recognize the difference between caring and care-taking. It’s also important to remember that, when something goes wrong in a relationship, it’s not just about the other person—even if they seem to be the one with problems. If you have a problem with your partner’s problems, then the issues are just as much yours as his. They have simply come at you indirectly, either because you’ve been unaware of them or because you didn’t want to confront them.

Try to let go of the idea that this is all about your man and see it instead as a wake-up call for you both. There is something here for you both to learn and how you deal with it will determine the level of intimacy and connection you can enjoy together, or how much “stuff” you take with you into your next relationship if you do not resolve it now. Our partners are wonderful mirrors for what is going on inside us, so if you feel criticized, controlled, or judged by your man, it’s a sure sign that you have some unresolved issues around self-acceptance and personal empowerment. Don’t get distracted by his stuff; you’ve attracted this specific dynamic into your life so that you can grow and experience a deeper kind of love.

Delving deeper into any issues that come up in relationships usually creates more closeness rather than a distancing of partners, which is what you are experiencing now. The payoff lies in understanding your reactions to your partner and what they really mean about you. If you are unaware of their meaning, you may choose to continue making it all about him. If you are open to the idea that he is there to trigger specific issues in you so that you can resolve them, then you can take charge of yourself and figure out the gift wrapped up in your resistance.

Olga Sheean (olgasheean.com; fitforlove.net) is a Vancouver-based relationship coach and author of Fit for Love—find your self and your perfect mate. Please submit your relationship questions to editor@shared-vision.com.

Damned If I Do . . .

admin — Mon, 30 Oct 2006 17:17:42 -0600

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by OLGA SHEEAN

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Dear Olga,

I am constantly challenged by my daughter, who makes demands of me and then gets angry when I don’t do what she wants. She often asks me to babysit, but I feel a lot of resistance when this happens. I usually give in and then end up feeling horribly compromised. When I don’t, I have to face her anger and rejection. It is a no-win situation. It always seems easier to agree and avoid the confrontation, but in the end, I pay and I feel as if I’m slowly killing myself. What would you recommend?
—Double Jeopardy

You’re right; it’s a no-win situation, or at least as long as you’re trying to earn your daughter’s approval and love, rather than boosting your own. This is a perfect example of the “neediness cycle”—a self-perpetuating pattern created by an emotional vacuum. You and your daughter both lack love and each of you is reacting differently. She wants you to “love” her by meeting her demands/needs and gets angry when you don’t. You, on the other hand, are trying to earn her love by doing what she asks but feel more like a commodity than a mom when you’re not loved in return. It’s the perfect set-up for an endless game of reactive ping-pong.
It’s likely you lacked the love you needed as a child, which makes it impossible for you to pass it on to your daughter. Now you’re both looking for the very thing that neither of you knows how to give. So no matter how much love you try to give your daughter, it will never be enough. Trying to make someone feel lovable is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. The love must be filled from inside, by taking care of your own needs so that others can give to you freely. When we are emotionally self-sufficient, we become magnetic; others want to love and support us because we love and support ourselves, without demanding anything of them.
If you start doing what feels right for you and let go of the need-driven guilt, you can build a loving relationship with your daughter. Start to express yourself honestly. If you feel you cannot say no to her request, then it’s more than a request; it’s a demand. Tell her that. When demands are made, there’s no room for choice, so it’s impossible to feel good about saying yes. Tell her this doesn’t work for you and you’re not willing to play this game any more. (Blame has nowhere to land in the absence of guilt.) Be up front about it. It’s not about getting her to see your point of view and love you back (read “neediness”); it’s about filling your love vacuum by taking care of your own needs and addressing the deeper truth.
Changing the rules is challenging because you fear losing the other person’s love. When it’s OK with you that it’s not OK with her, you’ll start to see things shift. Doing what feels right for you is what gets you back on track. Your behaviour has become a reaction to your daughter, rather than being proactively and authentically yourself, without distortion. When you start nurturing your own internal approval of yourself, you will model the behaviour you want for your daughter. Compromising yourself to meet her needs, on the other hand, diminishes your self-worth and teaches her codependence.
Be strong, if you choose to say no to any of your daughter’s demands. Don’t be apologetic. Don’t try to compensate or make up for it in some other way (that’s just the guilt taking another sneaky tack). Let her handle her own emotions and don’t take on her anger or blame. Break the neediness cycle and the love will start to grow.

Olga Sheean is a Vancouver-based relationship coach and author of Fit for Love—find your self and your perfect mate (olgasheean.com and fitforlove.net). Please submit your relationship questions to editor@shared-vision.com

Ask Olga

admin — Tue, 12 Dec 2006 17:36:05 -0600

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Are You Settling?

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Dear Olga,
I’ve been dating a warm-hearted, loving man for two months. We are incredibly comfortable together and have been working through our issues and growing a lot. However, my heart doesn’t race when I am with him or anticipate seeing him. I just feel very happy to see my good friend. He says I’m his dream girl but I do not feel he’s my dream guy. He’s definitely a dream friend. I am interested in continuing the romance in order to practise moving through my fear of intimacy and trusting someone again. However, I don’t want to build a long-term intimate life with him and I’m torn between enjoying what I have now, because it’s better than what most people have, and striving for more. Should I simply live in the moment, not worry about the future, and wait until there’s a good enough reason to let him go, or call it quits before we get too involved?

I asked my husband how he’d feel if I stayed with him just because he was a good friend. “Yuck,” he said, being the intellectual that he is. But what if I really loved you as a friend and knew the relationship was a healing journey for us both? “Double yuck,” he said, and rumbled off, dragging his club behind him.

Relationships are a bit more sophisticated now than they were for our ancestors, but some things never change. We still want to be loved and to be “No. 1” and we want to feel the same way about our partner. Being a stop-gap never feels good, even if we try to convince ourselves it’s a good trade-off. A relationship can never really flourish unless you are fully in it, and fear of intimacy means a fear of sharing all of yourself.

You’re with your friend for a purpose. Try to delve a bit deeper to see what it’s really about. How do you feel about dumping your friend if someone better comes along? Are you holding onto him because you doubt the dream guy actually exists? If so, you are probably making compromises based on the belief that you cannot have what you want.

Think about what this is costing you. What compromises are you making in order to maintain this dynamic? What part of you is not being nourished? Your answers will give you some idea of how worthy you think you are. They may also prompt you to bring these suppressed parts of yourself into the relationship, so that it can either flourish or come to a healthier, more authentic conclusion. Either way, you win because being yourself is always the most powerful way to attract what you want.

What’s missing from your relationship? Think about it and you’ll get some clues about how to move on to something better—either with your friend (if the relationship evolves) or with someone else. Is passion missing? Is it also lacking in your life in general? Did you get hurt in another relationship and shut down part of yourself? Dare to passionately engage in this current relationship—even if it’s only in the way you express your feelings. You’re holding back the most intimate parts of yourself, for fear of being disappointed. But that fear will keep you stuck in your comfort zone, stopping that special guy from getting to the heart of you.

For now, you’ve got a partner who is a perfect reflection of what you think you deserve—wonderful companionship but not the heart-swelling love that brings a resounding YES!! If you can start to really be you in this relationship, you will either go deeper with your friend or move on to the dream guy, because when you engage the deeper parts of yourself, you connect with a deeper love.

Olga Sheean is a Vancouver-based relationship coach and the author of Fit for Love—Find Your Self and Your Perfect Mate (olgasheean.com; fitforlove.net). Please submit your relationship questions to editor@shared-vision.com.

Ask Olga

admin — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 23:22:03 -0600

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Tango, Anyone?

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by OLGA SHEEAN

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Dear Olga,

I’m 50 and re-married six years ago. Since then, my younger sister has refused to talk to me and has stolen money from our recently deceased mother’s estate—money that was supposed to be divided equally between us. I have tried everything to get her to be reasonable but she won’t even take my calls. I remember some rivalry between us when we were growing up because I was my mother’s favourite, but things seemed to be fine after that—until I remarried and she started criticizing everything I did. I have two grown-up kids and she has a teenage daughter (whose father left when she was born). They used to get together and exchange birthday gifts but not any more. I love my job, my husband, and my kids, and my sister’s rejection is really the only problem I have. How can we resolve things as mature adults?

—Sister-Suckered

I call this the ‘dance of dysfunction’—a dance born of lovelessness, which creates a cycle of neediness, scarcity and blame. As with all unhealthy cycles, it takes two to tango…but only one to end it. Understanding the true nature of the dance is what it’s all about.

When love is in short supply, things get distorted and rarely make sense. Your sister did not get the love she needed as a child and she is jealous of you. She sees you as having achieved the things she wanted—a husband, family and, most of all, happiness within herself. With your second marriage, the truth has hit home for her: she is alone with her daughter, unmarried, pushing 50, and unhappy with her life.

Your sister blames you for her lack of love. As a child, she felt you were loved more than her, at her expense, because there was not enough love to go around. (Taking the money from your mum’s estate would therefore, to her, seem justified—to even the score.)

But the more you try to reason with her, the more she will fight back. Her jealousy probably leaves you feeling guilty or responsible for her, which prompts you to try to fix or help her. This makes you the perfect sparring partner for her anger.

To break this cycle, you must let go and stop trying to make things right. Your sister has created her own version of the truth, distorted by her feelings of low self-worth and unlovability, and only she can change that. (Jealousy always indicates a shaky sense of self, whereas strong self-love creates internal security and the ability to allow love into your life.) Continuing to take responsibility for your sister will only cause her to blame you more, for if you make yourself responsible for her life, then it will be your fault when things go wrong—or so she will subconsciously believe. Let her be responsible for her own life, no matter how misguided or sad it might seem to you. When you step back, there is room for her to see herself more clearly.

For your part, think about why you might be feeling responsible for her. As a child, you almost certainly knew that you were loved at her expense and felt guilty. But the more you try to get yourself off the hook, the more she will feel justified in being a victim. Stop the dance, let go of the guilt and live your life lovingly—and you will allow her the opportunity to do the same. After all, if she envies your life, why not be a shining example of how to create happiness? It’s the best form of sisterly love you can give her. v

Olga Sheean is a Vancouver-based relationship coach and author of Fit for Love—Find Your Self and Your Perfect Mate (olgasheean.com; fitforlove.net). Please submit your relationship questions to editor@shared-vision.com.

Ask Olga

admin — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 23:22:16 -0600

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Tough Love

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by OLGA SHEEAN

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Dear Olga
I’m 44 and have been married for 23 years to a lifelong heavy smoker who’s 11 years older. Four years ago, my husband started having difficulty breathing. I begged him to stop smoking and get help, but he refused. He finally went to the doctor, who gave him inhalers and told him to stop smoking. He cut down but didn’t quit. He was forced to stop when he developed pneumonia, started coughing blood, and was put on oxygen. But, by then, he had emphysema and the damage was irreversible. I’m really depressed and miserable and have no sex life. I’d like to leave but he would never make it without me. I can’t even get anyone reliable to take care of him so I can take a break! Any advice?
—Technically Trapped

Let’s look at what’s really going on here. All his life, your husband has been slowly killing himself, refusing to get help with his addiction or to take responsibility for his health. Now that he’s brought himself to the brink of death, you’ve become his life-support system. What’s wrong with this picture? If you are more committed to your husband’s well-being than he is, what does that say about your commitment to you?

Your husband has made himself dependent on you, which shows little respect or concern for you, not to mention for himself and his own body. Why, then, should you be bound by his self-destructive choices? He made those choices because of his own unresolved issues. Maybe he doesn’t like himself very much or feels he has no control over his life. Whatever the case, that’s his journey and you can’t take responsibility for it. You are a separate, self-sufficient entity, fully responsible for your own choices in life. Those choices will depend on how worthy or lovable you feel inside. If you feel unlovable, you’ll attract a partner who is equally unloving towards himself—as your husband has shown himself to be. It is your need for love that has prompted you to meet his needs in the hope of being loved in return. But your body will always tell you when you’re off track. Think of the depression and conflict you’re feeling; they’re the result of you suppressing your own needs in favour of your husband’s. (Phew. Exhausting)

Self-responsibility can be challenging in relationships. It means putting your needs first, in healthy ways, and doing what’s best for you so you stay on track with your life. Taking responsibility for someone else never works because you have to distort yourself to accommodate him or her. This prevents you from getting what you want, causing resentment and frustration. Yet it takes only one person to break this cycle.

Your breakthrough lies in going for what you really want in life and expressing how you feel to your husband. Honest, loving communication is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and him. But it means loving yourself and starting to put your own needs first, regardless of what you fear the reaction might be. Do this and the universe will support you. Start thinking in terms of living your life and the solutions for your freedom will be presented to you. Rather than thinking of yourself as selfish for “abandoning” your husband, try to see it as breaking the cycle of neediness that is keeping you both stuck and disempowered. You abandoned yourself by putting his needs first and now it’s time for you to make yourself No. 1. Love yourself, first and foremost, and everything will change.

Olga Sheean is a Vancouver-based relationship coach and author of Fit for Love—Find Your Self andYour Perfect Mate (olgasheean.com; fitforlove.net). Readers are invited to submit their relationship questions to editor@shared-vision.com.

Ask Olga

admin — Tue, 12 Dec 2006 15:24:41 -0600

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Dear Olga

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by OLGA SHEEAN

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Dear Olga
My husband of eight years has just left me. I’m in so much pain I don’t know what to do. How can I handle this? And why do I feel such anger? Is time the only thing that will heal it? If so, it feels as if it will be years before I feel halfway human again. Can you help?

Painfully Stuck
Pain has a purpose. It’s a wake-up call designed to get us back in touch with our heart and, ultimately, to bring more love into our lives. Pain is usually the body’s last attempt at getting our attention and prompting us to work through the layers of hurt, resentment and unexpressed feelings that accumulate over time when our heart goes astray. Pain in a relationship usually marks the re-opening of old wounds. If we understand that message, it can be the beginning of a deep healing journey, rather than The End of Our Love Story.

Take a closer look at the quality of the love you had in your marriage. What was missing for you? If you strip away all the good things you feel nostalgic about right now because of your loss, what things bothered you, deep down? Did you compromise or make excuses for your situation? Were you truly getting everything you wanted from your marriage?

These are tough questions that require honest self-examination. But when a marriage is not working for one partner, it cannot possibly be working fully for the other. If one person is dissatisfied or unfulfilled, he or she cannot be fully engaged with the other. The person who leaves is the one who acknowledges that the marriage is not working and not necessarily the one who has “ended” the marriage.

For both parties, the pain of old wounds needs to be addressed from the inside out. The pain may subside with time and go back down inside, but if we don’t heed its message, it will simply bubble up in our next relationship. If we heal our wounded parts, we not only attract more love than we ever thought possible but we also realize that what we thought was love did not even come close.

Dear Olga
I am in a relationship with a wonderful, loving, supportive man. He wants us to buy a house together and be a proper family. This terrifies me and I am gripped by indecision. What if it doesn’t work out? My partner is so understanding and patient that I feel I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I’m so confused.

Dangerously Disconnected
If in doubt, don’t. Confusion is a highly over-rated concept and is really just a dumping ground for denial. When we feel confused, it is usually because we know the right answer but we push it aside in favour of a more palatable or “manageable” option so we don’t have to face the unpleasantness or pain associated with our first, intuitive response. This causes the internal conflict we call confusion.

The simple answer is that something is missing. You need to figure out what that is, rather than trying to justify the appeal of this union. Buying a house together is a big deal, guaranteed to bring up your deepest fears and insecurities, and entering into any kind of relationship with these feelings is likely to backfire. You should go for it only when you know what you feel and want. If you are not fully connected to your feelings and desires, it will be difficult to find fulfillment—with this man or any other. When it’s right, you know it and there are no nagging doubts.

Olga Sheean is a Vancouver-based relationship coach and the author of Fit for Love—Find Your Self and Your Perfect Mate (olgasheean.com; fitforlove.net). Readers are invited to submit their relationship questions to editor@shared-vision.com