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Ask Olga

Dear Olga

by OLGA SHEEAN

Dear Olga
My husband of eight years has just left me. I’m in so much pain I don’t know what to do. How can I handle this? And why do I feel such anger? Is time the only thing that will heal it? If so, it feels as if it will be years before I feel halfway human again. Can you help?

Painfully Stuck
Pain has a purpose. It’s a wake-up call designed to get us back in touch with our heart and, ultimately, to bring more love into our lives. Pain is usually the body’s last attempt at getting our attention and prompting us to work through the layers of hurt, resentment and unexpressed feelings that accumulate over time when our heart goes astray. Pain in a relationship usually marks the re-opening of old wounds. If we understand that message, it can be the beginning of a deep healing journey, rather than The End of Our Love Story.

Take a closer look at the quality of the love you had in your marriage. What was missing for you? If you strip away all the good things you feel nostalgic about right now because of your loss, what things bothered you, deep down? Did you compromise or make excuses for your situation? Were you truly getting everything you wanted from your marriage?

These are tough questions that require honest self-examination. But when a marriage is not working for one partner, it cannot possibly be working fully for the other. If one person is dissatisfied or unfulfilled, he or she cannot be fully engaged with the other. The person who leaves is the one who acknowledges that the marriage is not working and not necessarily the one who has “ended” the marriage.

For both parties, the pain of old wounds needs to be addressed from the inside out. The pain may subside with time and go back down inside, but if we don’t heed its message, it will simply bubble up in our next relationship. If we heal our wounded parts, we not only attract more love than we ever thought possible but we also realize that what we thought was love did not even come close.

Dear Olga
I am in a relationship with a wonderful, loving, supportive man. He wants us to buy a house together and be a proper family. This terrifies me and I am gripped by indecision. What if it doesn’t work out? My partner is so understanding and patient that I feel I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I’m so confused.

Dangerously Disconnected
If in doubt, don’t. Confusion is a highly over-rated concept and is really just a dumping ground for denial. When we feel confused, it is usually because we know the right answer but we push it aside in favour of a more palatable or “manageable” option so we don’t have to face the unpleasantness or pain associated with our first, intuitive response. This causes the internal conflict we call confusion.

The simple answer is that something is missing. You need to figure out what that is, rather than trying to justify the appeal of this union. Buying a house together is a big deal, guaranteed to bring up your deepest fears and insecurities, and entering into any kind of relationship with these feelings is likely to backfire. You should go for it only when you know what you feel and want. If you are not fully connected to your feelings and desires, it will be difficult to find fulfillment—with this man or any other. When it’s right, you know it and there are no nagging doubts.

Olga Sheean is a Vancouver-based relationship coach and the author of Fit for Love—Find Your Self and Your Perfect Mate (olgasheean.com; fitforlove.net). Readers are invited to submit their relationship questions to editor@shared-vision.com