Ask Olga

Tough Love

by OLGA SHEEAN

Dear Olga
I’m 44 and have been married for 23 years to a lifelong heavy smoker who’s 11 years older. Four years ago, my husband started having difficulty breathing. I begged him to stop smoking and get help, but he refused. He finally went to the doctor, who gave him inhalers and told him to stop smoking. He cut down but didn’t quit. He was forced to stop when he developed pneumonia, started coughing blood, and was put on oxygen. But, by then, he had emphysema and the damage was irreversible. I’m really depressed and miserable and have no sex life. I’d like to leave but he would never make it without me. I can’t even get anyone reliable to take care of him so I can take a break! Any advice?
—Technically Trapped

Let’s look at what’s really going on here. All his life, your husband has been slowly killing himself, refusing to get help with his addiction or to take responsibility for his health. Now that he’s brought himself to the brink of death, you’ve become his life-support system. What’s wrong with this picture? If you are more committed to your husband’s well-being than he is, what does that say about your commitment to you?

Your husband has made himself dependent on you, which shows little respect or concern for you, not to mention for himself and his own body. Why, then, should you be bound by his self-destructive choices? He made those choices because of his own unresolved issues. Maybe he doesn’t like himself very much or feels he has no control over his life. Whatever the case, that’s his journey and you can’t take responsibility for it. You are a separate, self-sufficient entity, fully responsible for your own choices in life. Those choices will depend on how worthy or lovable you feel inside. If you feel unlovable, you’ll attract a partner who is equally unloving towards himself—as your husband has shown himself to be. It is your need for love that has prompted you to meet his needs in the hope of being loved in return. But your body will always tell you when you’re off track. Think of the depression and conflict you’re feeling; they’re the result of you suppressing your own needs in favour of your husband’s. (Phew. Exhausting)

Self-responsibility can be challenging in relationships. It means putting your needs first, in healthy ways, and doing what’s best for you so you stay on track with your life. Taking responsibility for someone else never works because you have to distort yourself to accommodate him or her. This prevents you from getting what you want, causing resentment and frustration. Yet it takes only one person to break this cycle.

Your breakthrough lies in going for what you really want in life and expressing how you feel to your husband. Honest, loving communication is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and him. But it means loving yourself and starting to put your own needs first, regardless of what you fear the reaction might be. Do this and the universe will support you. Start thinking in terms of living your life and the solutions for your freedom will be presented to you. Rather than thinking of yourself as selfish for “abandoning” your husband, try to see it as breaking the cycle of neediness that is keeping you both stuck and disempowered. You abandoned yourself by putting his needs first and now it’s time for you to make yourself No. 1. Love yourself, first and foremost, and everything will change.

Olga Sheean is a Vancouver-based relationship coach and author of Fit for Love—Find Your Self andYour Perfect Mate (olgasheean.com; fitforlove.net). Readers are invited to submit their relationship questions to editor@shared-vision.com.

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