by OLGA SHEEAN
Dear Olga,
I am constantly challenged by my daughter, who makes demands of me and then gets angry when I don’t do what she wants. She often asks me to babysit, but I feel a lot of resistance when this happens. I usually give in and then end up feeling horribly compromised. When I don’t, I have to face her anger and rejection. It is a no-win situation. It always seems easier to agree and avoid the confrontation, but in the end, I pay and I feel as if I’m slowly killing myself. What would you recommend?
—Double Jeopardy
You’re right; it’s a no-win situation, or at least as long as you’re trying to earn your daughter’s approval and love, rather than boosting your own. This is a perfect example of the “neediness cycle”—a self-perpetuating pattern created by an emotional vacuum. You and your daughter both lack love and each of you is reacting differently. She wants you to “love” her by meeting her demands/needs and gets angry when you don’t. You, on the other hand, are trying to earn her love by doing what she asks but feel more like a commodity than a mom when you’re not loved in return. It’s the perfect set-up for an endless game of reactive ping-pong.
It’s likely you lacked the love you needed as a child, which makes it impossible for you to pass it on to your daughter. Now you’re both looking for the very thing that neither of you knows how to give. So no matter how much love you try to give your daughter, it will never be enough. Trying to make someone feel lovable is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. The love must be filled from inside, by taking care of your own needs so that others can give to you freely. When we are emotionally self-sufficient, we become magnetic; others want to love and support us because we love and support ourselves, without demanding anything of them.
If you start doing what feels right for you and let go of the need-driven guilt, you can build a loving relationship with your daughter. Start to express yourself honestly.
If you feel you cannot say no to
her request, then it’s more than a request; it’s a demand. Tell her that. When demands are made, there’s no room for choice, so it’s impossible to feel good about saying yes. Tell her this doesn’t work for you and you’re not willing to play
this game any more. (Blame has nowhere to land in the absence of guilt.) Be up front about it. It’s not about getting her to see your point of view and love you back (read “neediness”); it’s about filling your love vacuum by taking care of your own needs and addressing the deeper truth.
Changing the rules is challenging because you fear losing the other person’s love. When it’s OK with you that it’s not OK with
her, you’ll start to see things shift. Doing what feels right for you is what gets you back on track. Your behaviour has become a reaction to your daughter, rather than being proactively and authentically yourself, without distortion. When you start nurturing your own internal approval of yourself, you will model the behaviour you want for your daughter. Compromising yourself to meet her needs, on the other hand, diminishes your self-worth and teaches her codependence.
Be strong, if you choose to
say no to any of your daughter’s demands. Don’t be apologetic. Don’t try to compensate or make up for it in some other way (that’s just the guilt taking another sneaky tack). Let her handle her own emotions and don’t take on her anger
or blame. Break the neediness cycle and the love will start to grow.
Olga Sheean is a Vancouver-based
relationship coach and author of Fit
for Love—find your self and your perfect mate (olgasheean.com and fitforlove.net). Please submit your
relationship questions to editor@shared-vision.com
