Dear Olga,

I’ve been dating a really nice man for two years but, recently, he has changed in disturbing ways. He used to be a warm, loving, patient man who would do anything for me but since he started “working on himself” he has become mean-spirited, critical, and controlling. He keeps telling me that he must say no to whatever doesn’t work for him and ask for what he wants. I feel as if he has no regard for me or what I want. Our relationship is horrid and I can’t believe what’s happening to us. Surely, personal-growth work should make you better, not worse! I’d really like to know how to make sense of all this.
—Fighting for a change

The first thing to look at is why your partner wanted to change. Presumably, he was not happy with either himself or the relationship—which is really the same thing. To understand what’s going on, you need to find out what prompted your man to make all these seemingly undesirable changes. What was he unhappy about or trying to improve? What was not working for him in the relationship before all this happened? If you didn’t realize that the relationship was not working for him, you may not know him—or yourself—as well as you think.

When someone tries to change, there is usually resistance—their own internal resistance and, often, that of their partner. If your partner was in the habit of meeting your needs or going along with what you wanted, for example, you may have seen that as an expression of his love for you. If he changed that habit and started putting his own needs first (ideally, in healthy ways), you might interpret that as rejection. But it really has to do with self-empowerment and personal responsibility, whereby each partner maintains healthy boundaries and learns to recognize the difference between caring and care-taking. It’s also important to remember that, when something goes wrong in a relationship, it’s not just about the other person—even if they seem to be the one with problems. If you have a problem with your partner’s problems, then the issues are just as much yours as his. They have simply come at you indirectly, either because you’ve been unaware of them or because you didn’t want to confront them.

Try to let go of the idea that this is all about your man and see it instead as a wake-up call for you both. There is something here for you both to learn and how you deal with it will determine the level of intimacy and connection you can enjoy together, or how much “stuff” you take with you into your next relationship if you do not resolve it now. Our partners are wonderful mirrors for what is going on inside us, so if you feel criticized, controlled, or judged by your man, it’s a sure sign that you have some unresolved issues around self-acceptance and personal empowerment. Don’t get distracted by his stuff; you’ve attracted this specific dynamic into your life so that you can grow and experience a deeper kind of love.

Delving deeper into any issues that come up in relationships usually creates more closeness rather than a distancing of partners, which is what you are experiencing now. The payoff lies in understanding your reactions to your partner and what they really mean about you. If you are unaware of their meaning, you may choose to continue making it all about him. If you are open to the idea that he is there to trigger specific issues in you so that you can resolve them, then you can take charge of yourself and figure out the gift wrapped up in your resistance.

Olga Sheean (olgasheean.com [1]; fitforlove.net [2]) is a Vancouver-based relationship coach and author of Fit for Love—find your self and your perfect mate. Please submit your relationship questions to editor@shared-vision.com.