A young friend asked me: “What does it mean when your boyfriend chooses Valentine’s Day to post on his Facebook profile that his relationship status is “Complicated”?

A posting on a social utility website like Facebook is virtually an announcement to the world. So the answer to that question is he wants to let everyone know something about his relationship status. But what is he really saying? And to whom? Let’s take a look.

The word “complicated” has various synonyms: abstruse, complex, tortuous, arduous, convoluted, perplexing, troublesome, entangled, multifarious. However, there is pretty much one common understanding of the word, especially in the context of one who wishes everyone in the whole world (except the romantic partner involved) to know that his relationship status is “Complicated.”

What he really means to say is, “I’m in a relationship that I have serious doubts about, so I’m available, or soon going to be.” His intended audience? Another woman, other women, or other men.

You see, when a guy (or gal) is just not that into you, call it what you like. He/she is afraid of commitment or has intimacy issues, or is confused, delusional, or immature. It all means the same thing; he (or she) just chooses the handle of “complicated” to label your relationship.

He also does this to avoid communicating to you his real feelings and issues. But in most cases, one foot is virtually out the door. Anyone who is genuinely struggling with issues in a relationship (and we all have them) and wants to keep working at it may discuss the complexities with a therapist or a close friend, but he does not publish that on the internet for the world to read, picking the one day of the year it will be most noticed.

People who have affairs often describe their marriages as “complicated” to their would-be love interests. This is their way of saying that 1) they are available, 2) their spouse doesn’t give them what they need (sex, kindness, support, whatever, thus justifying the potential affair), and 3) they cannot leave their marriage yet (because of the kids, the money, a special arrangement, their guilt, etc.).

The way I see it, there are genuine instances when relationships get complicated, such as the following:

• You’re sleeping with your cousin’s husband and she’s sleeping with yours, and neither of you knows it.
• Your grandmother’s husband is sleeping with your husband, and the two sneak around town together.
• You are a Mormon and your husband has five other wives with whom you share kids, time, affections, and resources.
• And here are some alternative, more descriptive and humorous handles that can be used for internet announcements of the termination of a relationship: Single Again (Got Turfed)
• Opted Out as I’m Too Scared of Commitment
• Haven’t Got the Guts to Love
• Too Immature to Work through My Problems
• Perplexed, but Available
• Wishes to Play the Field, so Available Again and Again

Seriously, though, I do wish people would stop using the word “complicated” to describe their relationships. Because inherently, relationships are complex and multifarious, even difficult and tortuous at times. Sometimes, we need to end them, and when we do, let us do so well. Both for ourselves and for the one we once loved. So, to someone like my young friend’s boyfriend, who’s contemplating leaving their relationship, I say tell her in person with honesty, dignity, and respect. She deserves that.

To my friend, I say this: don’t believe that you deserve less. I suggest you take a long, hard look at the relationship to discover 1) what’s worth saving, 2) how much you can tolerate his confusion, uncertainty, or otherwise roving eyes, and 3) how long you can be in a relationship with someone who can’t or won’t be 100 per cent there.

For everyone else, it’s not complicated at all. Here’s a short quiz to determine readiness for relationship:

1. Am I truly ready to learn to love and grow with someone?
2. Can I communicate my hopes, dreams, fears, anxiety, and confusion with that person?
3. Can I always be honest but kind in expressing my feelings?
4. Do I have the staying power it takes (i.e., not run off when I feel scared)?

Answer “yes” to every question, and you’re mature and ready. Answer mostly “yes” and you are mostly ready. Saying you’re mostly ready is like saying you’re mostly pregnant—so if that’s you, you’re not quite there yet. There is work to be done.

People who have affairs often describe their marriages as “complicated” to their would-be love interests.

Pohsuan Zaide is a therapist in private practice with an MA in counselling psychology. Find her at 778-846-6056, members.shaw.ca/pohsuan_zaide [1] , and thevancouverobserver.com [2] , where she writes an advice column and ponders the complexity of relationships.bcv