Dear Olga,

I’m 50 and re-married six years ago. Since then, my younger sister has refused to talk to me and has stolen money from our recently deceased mother’s estate—money that was supposed to be divided equally between us. I have tried everything to get her to be reasonable but she won’t even take my calls. I remember some rivalry between us when we were growing up because I was my mother’s favourite, but things seemed to be fine after that—until I remarried and she started criticizing everything I did. I have two grown-up kids and she has a teenage daughter (whose father left when she was born). They used to get together and exchange birthday gifts but not any more. I love my job, my husband, and my kids, and my sister’s rejection is really the only problem I have. How can we resolve things as mature adults?

—Sister-Suckered

I call this the ‘dance of dysfunction’—a dance born of lovelessness, which creates a cycle of neediness, scarcity and blame. As with all unhealthy cycles, it takes two to tango…but only one to end it. Understanding the true nature of the dance is what it’s all about.

When love is in short supply, things get distorted and rarely make sense. Your sister did not get the love she needed as a child and she is jealous of you. She sees you as having achieved the things she wanted—a husband, family and, most of all, happiness within herself. With your second marriage, the truth has hit home for her: she is alone with her daughter, unmarried, pushing 50, and unhappy with her life.

Your sister blames you for her lack of love. As a child, she felt you were loved more than her, at her expense, because there was not enough love to go around. (Taking the money from your mum’s estate would therefore, to her, seem justified—to even the score.)

But the more you try to reason with her, the more she will fight back. Her jealousy probably leaves you feeling guilty or responsible for her, which prompts you to try to fix or help her. This makes you the perfect sparring partner for her anger.

To break this cycle, you must let go and stop trying to make things right. Your sister has created her own version of the truth, distorted by her feelings of low self-worth and unlovability, and only she can change that. (Jealousy always indicates a shaky sense of self, whereas strong self-love creates internal security and the ability to allow love into your life.) Continuing to take responsibility for your sister will only cause her to blame you more, for if you make yourself responsible for her life, then it will be your fault when things go wrong—or so she will subconsciously believe. Let her be responsible for her own life, no matter how misguided or sad it might seem to you. When you step back, there is room for her to see herself more clearly.

For your part, think about why you might be feeling responsible for her. As a child, you almost certainly knew that you were loved at her expense and felt guilty. But the more you try to get yourself off the hook, the more she will feel justified in being a victim. Stop the dance, let go of the guilt and live your life lovingly—and you will allow her the opportunity to do the same. After all, if she envies your life, why not be a shining example of how to create happiness? It’s the best form of sisterly love you can give her. v

Olga Sheean is a Vancouver-based relationship coach and author of Fit for Love—Find Your Self and Your Perfect Mate (olgasheean.com; fitforlove.net). Please submit your relationship questions to editor@shared-vision.com.