Dear Olga,
I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for the past year and I’m sick of it. My partner is wonderful but he’s not willing to move here, and I don’t want to live in Texas! How can I get what I want, if neither of us wants to budge?
—FAR AND AWAY

Circumstances can be distracting if you take them at face value—and miss their inherent message. But if you can see them in the context of your internal programming, then everything makes sense.

I’d say that acceptance, worthiness, and intimacy were almost certainly issues for you when you were growing up, resulting in self-doubt, insecurities, and a need to “play safe” in the world. It’s hard to let anyone get too close, if we believe that love is not safe. As a result, we attract dynamics and situations that cater to this belief— creating long-distance relationships or attracting partners who have issues around intimacy or commitment. It can sometimes look as if it’s the other person who’s keeping their distance, but if you start to explore the ways you may be buffering yourself from intimacy or from receiving support or love from others (even in small ways, such as deflecting a compliment), you’ll begin to see how self-rejection can keep you from having the kind of on-your-doorstep love you want.

Use your circumstances wisely and see them for what they are—an invaluable indicator of what you need to work on inside to attract the corresponding qualities on the outside. It’s not about finding a partner who’s willing to commit to you; it’s about committing to yourself and to resolving your issues, so that you attract a similarly committed partner. When you do that, everything works.

Dear Olga,
I’ve been single for six years and have deliberately avoided relationships, so I could get financially stable. But my business is a constant struggle. Even though I can generate clients and create business deals, they never work out well. I’d love to be able to start the year on a strong financial footing. Then I’ll feel comfortable about looking for a partner. Any suggestions?
—MONEY MATTERS

There’s no way you can win this one, unless you seriously check out what’s going on inside. On the outside, you’re doing everything possible to make things work, but by not letting yourself have a relationship, you’re saying “no” to receiving love—and money. Both are extremely accurate indicators of your self-worth. Holding off on a relationship until you’re better off implies that you don’t think you’re lovable just as you are. This feeds lots of other beliefs, such as: “I can’t have what I want unless I work really hard for it,” “I must earn love,” and “No one will love me, if I’m not making money.” Sound familiar? Beliefs like these keep you stuck, sabotaging your business dealings and preventing you from having the payoff you deserve for all your efforts.

You can break this cycle by saying “yes” to receiving and opening up to the possibility of being loved now. But it must be translated into action. This means finding ways to connect with potential partners, despite your resistance. If saying “no” to a relationship is closing the door on success, wouldn’t saying “yes” be worth a try? Just go for it! You’ve a lot to gain—a relationship plus the money you’ve been working so hard for. Do the one thing you’ve been avoiding all along and you’ll see things start to work in all areas of your life. Money flows when you say “yes” to being loved and accepted for who you are, regardless of your bank balance.

Olga Sheean (olgasheean.com [1] or fitforlove.net [2]) is a Vancouver-based relationship coach and author of Fit for Love —find your self and your perfect mate.