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Notes from a Recovering Self-Help Book Junkie

How I learned to stop improving myself and start living my life

by Pohsuan Zaide

Have you ever walked into a bookstore and felt overwhelmed at the plethora of self-help books lining the shelves? I am a recovering self-help book junkie, and I know how hard it is to abstain from buying just one more book that will improve some aspect of my life.

It seems to me that every few years someone arrives on the self-help scene with a reinvented idea about how we can make our lives better. I say “reinvented” because there are no new ideas. The human race has the benefit of thousands of years of Eastern and Western thinking and wisdom, and we only have to look into those teachings to trace the roots of modern or new-age paradigms.

Don’t get me wrong; anyone who can reach the masses and help them become more self-aware, more compassionate, and more socially or spiritually responsible is OK in my books. And saying it with fresh words is fine.

My point is this: I am tired of all the messages from the self-help industry and the popular media bombarding my brain. Some of them are ethical and altruistic, and some are solely profit-oriented. Everyone is on board the self-improvement train, selling us ideas and products that promise to improve our lives—from our skin to our psyches, from our amino acids to our attitudes.

So where do we find balance?

Because we are overwhelmed by the pace of modern life, we must resize our lives to a manageable scope. Big life or small life? Fast lane or slow lane? Run toward dreams or walk away from them? Gurus tell us that we must find the answers within, and we study with them for years to glean their wisdom. Do you see the paradox in that?

The way I see it, the world couldn’t function if everyone lived one certain way. We need all kinds of people doing all kinds of things, creating products and services; some rushing around, others slowing down. Some people are going to live large lives, affecting hundreds or even thousands of people, while others contribute by slowing down and taking care of their families and communities.

So how do you know which kind of person you are? You guessed it—the answers lie within you. But they emerge within a context of values and principles that are humanistic and spiritual in nature. Here are some non-original ideas:

1. Feel good about your life Whatever life you choose, make sure it is aligned with what you truly value, and that you feel good (or good enough) about it. If you are choosing to sacrifice one set of values for another, know why and for how long. Regardless of the “size” or “speed” of your life, it is the sense of meaning or purpose, and the joy that comes from being free to make your own choices, that makes it all worthwhile.

2. Cherish all life Valuing life leads to fair actions, responsible and non-harmful use of resources, and non-violence toward others as well as toward our environment. If we destroy our environment, we destroy ourselves, as we are part of that environment. If we hurt other people, we hurt ourselves, as we are part of the human race.

3. Life itself has no inherent meaning It is what we do with it (our purpose) and how we live it (our passion) that creates meaning within the templates of connections (our love) that we make with others and with the world in which we live.
So, from time to time, take a look at each of those aspects and see if you feel good about them. If you do, you’re doing OK. If you don’t, figure out what needs to change and do it. Or don’t. The choice is yours, and only yours, to make. If you choose not to change, don’t whine about it; don’t feel bad about yourself. Just acknowledge that you are choosing not to.
I once dated a guy who told me, “I realize that I have some [personal growth] work to do, but I don’t think I’m ready to do it.” I admired him for his honesty.

4. Lastly, act lovingly, kindly, and generously toward the world and others Look for the good in everything and look for ways to help. Savour the joy that comes from being this kind of person.
There are only four principles here—not enough to write a book on, thank goodness. Now I’ve got to go out and live my life. You must, too!

Pohsuan Zaide is a therapist in private practice with an MA in counselling psychology who admits powerlessness over her book-buying behaviours. Find her at 778-846-6056, members.shaw.ca/pohsuan_zaide, and thevancouverobserver.com.